Remember, you promised you would never
forget how it felt to be a teen.

I was bullied in elementary school and for most of middle school. These experiences toughened me up, but left many scars that have yet to heal. I am blessed to have gone to such an accepting high school which helped reinforce the strong and confident individual who continues to be molded by the world. Now, as an "adult", Im tired of seeing people being stigmatized for their beliefs (whether it be religious or not), for their sexual preferences, for the color of their hair, their age, grades, income, and anything thats DIFFERENT. You don't need to agree with someone's way of being, you don't even have to like their choices, but respect them. Maybe if you stop to put yourself in someone else's shoes, you'll begin to understand. Differences always will exist, don't you realize that!!! Now I'm not saying we all should be frolicking around singing kumbaya (even though I would highly enjoy that), but can't you see that putting down another individual is not the answer? LESS HATRED MORE LOVE.

To This Day Project

Part I

Walking out on a relationship is never the right answer.  This is something I had to learn the hard way.  I've had relationships where I put in effort for the both of us, relationships where though they were grateful of my actions, they would only respond as a result of me initiating a conversation or of me asking to spend time with them.  Wether it was with a friend, my ex- boyfriend, or a family member, there came a stage where only one person in the relationship was giving, I can guarantee you it was always me.  Eventually I reached a point where I felt as if I was holding on and decided that I would let them fade away.

After more than a handful of occurrences in which I struggled to hold on, I tired of the same painful routine.  In order to cope with the pain of chasing those I cared about and then having them walk out on me (though a few did come back on their own) my coping mechanism became me walking out in fear of being hurt.  I walked out assuming they would follow, but thinking that if they did not I had had a good reason to.  I stopped reaching out, at first not wanting to "bother" them  or push them away.  I wondered if they would even care and eventually proved to myself that they did not.  In the situation where I was contacted I went on living in a world without them; once my barriers were up there was no comming back.  Though that idea seemed valid at the time, my argument being: if I am not in a healthy relationship then I should not be in that relationship, it is never ok to leave without addressing the issue.  A relationship needs to be valued, so despite one's mistakes the other has to point it out and attempt to address the issue.  If the issue is left without being addressed and handled, addressed and worked on, or addressed and evaluated as "this is not working anymore", both are at fault of neglect.  I arrived at this conclusion only after I found my defense mechanism to be working against me.

My defense mechanism came to the point where it defeated the whole purpose of me installing it upon myself, being that it did not fix anything and only left me with a greater pain.  This new pain grew from me losing the people I loved and/or cared about, and from me becoming the bad guy in the scenario.  On top of this, I was losing out on the opportunity to fix everything because while I thought I was in control of myself, in reality I was not in control of anything.  Yes, I was attempting to cut the damage short, but I was not gaining anything.  Rather, I was hurting myself by training myself to become the person I had never wanted to have in my own life, someone who could not be depended on to stick around when things got rough, someone who walked out on someone when they were most in need, someone who could no longer have a conversation but only confrontations.  Walking away is not a solution when it comes to relationships.  You can't just throw it out as if it meant nothing all along.  In the end, with this mindset you are only lying to yourself.  In a state where you are losing those around you, you do not want to get to the point where you lose yourself as well.

If you were ever to find yourself in a situation where your relationship is drifting, just know you deserve to know your worth.  The value you put into your relationship is how much you deserve to know why you are being treated the way you are.  Though you think you know the person, you never know their thought process.  Sometimes the failing relationship is their fault, but sometimes there is more to it.  There could be multiple explanations other than they decided to stop caring; it may not always be the case that they intended, or even noticed, their new behavior.  Then again, their new behavior may have stemmed as a reaction to your actions towards them.  Whatever the case may be, you never want to put yourself in the position where pure ignorance puts an end to a 8 year friendship, a first love, or to that new friendship with someone who taught you to love again.  I lost out on years of having a friend because they did not realize the pain they were putting me in.  While I thought I was going ignored he was undergoing issues he could not handle or express.  While he was overwhelmed in a mess of drugs, debt, and a father's betrayal, I pulled away not knowing that he did not want to jeopardize our relationship.  He let me go thinking that that was what I wanted.  I looked back everyday for more than 2 years until the day he reached out to ask what had gone wrong.  When I told him I felt that I had been losing him he told me he had never wanted to lose me.  Over the time period where I had lost him I had told people that the split had been mutual, now I realize I was the one who had walked away.

It may not be that the other person in the relationship is struggling in their lives, maybe their feelings towards you have changed, or maybe they were completely oblivious to the fact that they were not making an effort; whatever the reason, you need an answer.  I turned into someone who made it too easy to let go, though I let it kill me inside.  A few months ago that 8 year friendship was rekindled, though not as strong as it had been years past.  Today my first love came back as a friend.  Now I have to attempt to save the relationship with my new friend/ bearer or love.  Either he will walk with me or without me.  I may walk alone, but I will train myself not to walk out when I feel the urge to run.

It hurts to love and not be loved.  It hurts to want to give it your all knowing the effort will not be returned.  I need a man I can depend on and one who I can have completley.  You can't give me that.  I won't let myself be put into this situation again.  

I wanted to fall in love with you...I almost did, but I can't put myself through this pain again.  I wished for an us, when all you did was open me up to new bruises.  I needed to know I could love again, you gave me that, but it ends here if I want to prevent myself from breaking.

I wet me feet in the cold pool of water filled of moonstones and told you that I didn't know how to swim.  You held my hand and promised not to let go.  Trusting you, I was the one to lead you in.  You let go before my legs were completly covered and walked ahead.  Believing that you would stop to wait for me, I followed.  

I stood alone, water at my waist, thanking god I knew how to float- until I noticed the current slowly sucking me into the blood chilling water.  No longer standing on stones but on sand, I found myself alone.  Water at my neck, the wind carried your voice which once told me not to worry.  

Love isn't something you work on.  You can work on a relationship, but if the love isn't there to begin with don't keep hoping that it will work out eventually. Save your breath.  

If it is meant to be don't force it.  Eventually you have to let go of the rake you made from sticks and wire and notice that nothing has been rooted.  Whether you chose to let go today or in a few years its still gona hurt like hell, but imagine spending your entire life waiting for a sprout to rise.  

So many things left to be said, and yet when I try to say them too many new thoughts come to mind and prevent me from speaking.   I know I shouldn't be scared, but dissapointing you makes me nervous.  Am I good enough? Am I the one?  You make my hands tremble and yet when my mind goes blank and I don't understand why.  What do I love about you?  Everything I think, except that fact that when you say you love me I feel as if I have to fight to hold on.

It used to be God that kept me from overdosing or cutting, but after I lost him the only thing stopping me became the thought of me never finding out the purpose of why I was put into this world.  There will come a time when I won't be wasting my life; they'll be a day when I don't hate myself, because I'll have a purpose...until then my grip on this razor tempts me, the bottle of pills I was persribed calls to me, and the roof never looked so peacefull.

I say I want to enjoy my life and yet instead of taking my life and making it worthwhile I waste it sulking, causing me to fall into a greater depression.  I keep falling and I can't blame anyone but myelf.  At this point I'm the one who tripped myself and made the decision to let everyone think that it was my norm...(maybe it is now).  Never happy and spoiled in comparison.  What do I do now?  What do I want?  What do I want. 

I probably won't amount to much in life.  No inspiration.  No dedication.   Just full of empty wishes. What do I do when I give up completely, when I stop pushing myself to dream?  What will I have left?  Who will I become?

All that will be left is a body.  A body to give up to someone who can support me.  A body to sell?  A body to fill with cold hard liquor that burns the back of my dry throat. 

On the floor lay empty bottles to ease the pain, a needle to numb my thoughts, and the tears I shed too early to remember how to begin again.

Filled with bruises and with air.  Nothing more, maybe less.

I can not stop thinking about the way you turn me when there's no music playing.  Your new to this and yet not once have we stepped on each others feet, bumped a few knees maybe, but so smoothly we've turned it into our own little dance.  You twirl me to the beat that you hold, where you are more than just the string master, but where I am the the prized possession you bear to the room, and as you twirl me in you remind them that I am yours and that they will never belong in our dance.

As our beat simmers you watch me change my shoes and pause your world for me.  Your called, alarms go off, your needed, and yet you stand by me until I'm ready to walk at your side. The lights dim and we walk into the night.  I'm usually the one chasing, and the one to tire of holding on, but you lead me in such a way that I never have to run; I can save my breath for the laughter and the getting to know you part.  

My heart beats again because your smile makes me nervous.  The awkwardness of our goodbyes make me long for the beat which I continue to embody when your away.  The only thing that keeps it alive is the thought of you coming forth to stand at my side, to lead me into the dance we have made our own.